Tots
Been quite lazy of blogging.. hahahha.. ok ok.. i lazy gal la.. cannot blame.. plus i think not much ppl reading my blog ba... even got read oso jus browse through.. bt i write this blog is more for me to know wats gg on on that pt of time la.. i short term memory la...
Let see.. recently planning to go taipei walk walk.. i know recently my family got so much things gg on.. then how come i gg on tour now.. haiz.. i think quite hard for you all to know what is gg through in my family.. all of us..how my dad, mom and me is feeling.. in the past although kor was quite strict on me.. bt i now then know that actually he quite dote me.. dote me in his own way.. from the day he left us.. think the most impact person is me.. cos no one is there for me le..
In the past mom keep telling me that once they all left, is only left me and kor to take care of each other... she keep saying that i gotta take care of kor cos we are left with each other.. bt now.. to think that he left us so soon. Too soon for anyone to take it.. from us to his frens to his buddy and not to forget Polly.. Think now even the tots of him is still great inside us.. tears will still roll down.. Loneliness is the most scary time of all.. Cos the miss for him will be the greatest.. Often having hard time falling aslp.. not that i don wan to slp.. bt i still got the bad memory of the day he left us..
Mom out of sudden crying to us saying kor die le.. jus imagine you are slping and your mom telling you this.. the saddness on her face.. every moment she keep pounding on her chest.. can hear very clearly my heart is cracking.. there are sooo many cracks in my heart... ppl ask me to be strong.. bt pardon me to say this.. this is not happening in your family.. you can never feel how i feel.. unless there is someone whom undergo all these pain.. the pain of seeing your loved ones lying on the bed soo calm.. as if he is slping.. calling him and shaking him couldn't wake him up... he really look like he is slping... i tot he was just like normal day slping at home.. But the fact is he is died.. HE HAD LEFT US... the fear in me.. the saddness in me.. the pain in me.. other than mom and dad.. i think no one can feel it... I had been with him for 23 years... someone soo close and whom i grown up with.. Just one accident had torn us apart.. (even now i am typing all these, my tears still unable to control and keep rolling down my cheek)
This coming tuesday is his 100 days.. which mean he had left us sooo long.. kor i really miss you.. although we keep fighting for use of pc.. use of tv but you still will let me.. days when i am slping yet i know you reach home... the feeling is always there... days whereby you put alot of perfume on your body and congrates of making a pig (me) to sudden wake up just to gasp for air.. Days whereby you buy dinner for us.. Days whereby i called you up to tell mom tat i coming home late... Days whereby you teaches me all the things in life.. I will never forget.. The most regrets i am having is tat we din have much of your fotos.. the only fotos that i had is from my ROM.. Kor... you don even have the chance to hear Zhengzong calling you kor.. why do you left us so fast.. why... why cannot grow old with me... why don let me see who is my da sao.. why don let me see who is your children... why!!!!!!!!!
Now i quiting my job to study ACCA.. i am determine to study hard to get my cert.. i need to earn more money.. i want to give a good life to my parent... i need to love them including my kor share... i know some of you think that i am quite bad towards my parent.. bt i am doing all the good for them.. i need to plan for them... cos i am the only one that they had right now.. mom recently brought a new place for kor tablet.. she is having the tots of buying same location so tat they can be with kor in future.. can imagine the feeling i had when i heard that.. i am soo scared.. everytimes when they tok that they don wish to live.. can imgine the fear.. i dunno if i can take it or not if really it happen.. i am so scare.. i want them to live long long.. i don wan to have the pain that i am having... i don wan..
Nowadays seeing newspaper reporting of death.. and the most recent two army ppl died.. the pain i can feel.. bt the good thing abt them is that they had few more sibling.. bt i am left alone.. i have no kor le.. thats the truth.. nothing can change it.. i don have any sibling to talk to.. hubby and frens although will be there for me.. bt i know you all still have your own problem.. hw can i always bother you all.. haiz.. esp hubby.. he gotta worry abt me, gotta worry abt his job, gotta worry abt our new flat, gotta worry abt our future.. so much things to worry..
haiz.. sorry i am just trying to say how i think and feel.. feeling lost and sad.. sad in my own world now.. refuse to let ppl go into my world.. mask is wat i wear everyday.. cos don wish to make mom and dad and hubby worry... so i decided to go for walk overseas.. i need to get away.. i need to find something tat i can look forward too.. Taiwan is a country whom all of my fren know tat i love to go to visit.. so hubby say gg to bring me there before i start my schooling.. will be away from 26 June to 1 July.. mom also encourage me to go overseas.. she think that i am too stressed up.. hahhahah.. this is the truth la.. she is quite worry abt me.. sorry mom.. i will stand strong once i get over and time heals my wounds...
Maybe gotta ask whether kor buddy can come find mom and dad to talk talk during my absent period... hmmmm.. gotta ask them one day.. oh ya.. thanks you guys and Polly i am very grateful to you.. for all the help you given to my kor.. seriously sometime i got a feeling of you are my da sao.. bt i know this will never be real.. bt in my heart thats how i feel.. if you find someone good.. gotta grab hold of it... let my kor stay in one corner of your heart.. i will be very happy liao... cos i think kor oso want you to be happy.. so stay happy ok.. (^.^)v
ok la.. say soo many sad things.. hahahha.. dunno wat get over me now.. maybe is tuesday is coming le.. so got alot of sad feeling.. ok la.. me go watch tv le... tata.. Good nite to all...
Word of the day: i siao liao.. so can don bother abt wat i write.. hahahha.. except for the last part abt you (Polly)... i really wish you be happy.. Don be sad le ok.. (^.^)/
